From ugly to uglier

I've been off program for about seven days now. Tomorrow, right Mary?

Dear sweet jeebus

Disastrous weekend. Inadvertently got extra fries at the drive thru for the fam after a visit to the barn. Ate said fries after one of my horses got a deep cut on her lip after running into a fence. Since this is episode #432 of horse emergencies in the last month pulling me away from the family I freaked a little. Husband NOT amused by $$$/time I'm devoting to horses. But I got back on track at dinner. But as I was stuffing Easter Eggs I indulged in some PB eggs. Tasted salty, too sweet, but I was back in emotional eating mode.

Woke Sunday determined to get back on track. At about 10 a.m. got emergency call #2 from barn. Horses ran through fence. Cut lip now dangling from face. It's Easter. Husband is trying to paint. Husband thinks it's time to get rid of horses and a fight ensues about that and all the unspoken issues in our relationship. Leave in tears. Lip is indeed dangling. Older (other) horse shockingly unable to put head down and trembling an hour after incident. Call vet in tears. Sure this is it for the old boy, who has a HOST of expensive issues. Give him painkiller and wait. Within the hour he's able to relax the neck and eat. Go home, make Easter dinner (and taste a bit of the kids meal) and have a salad. Consume more Easter candy then head back out to check on horses.

I've gone all weekend without having one of the programs "shakes".

Wake Monday determined to get back on program. Go out to barn and watch vet cut dangling lip from horses face. Mentally tally vet bill. Go home and eat daughter's chocolate Easter bunny. (Yes, I'm a bad, bad mommy).

Need to get back on program from here on out.

Medifast Diet, Day 10: Fresh out of snappy comments

Day 10. I'm a little more hungry since I've been interspersing "real" food throughout the day. I should try to stick to shakes along until dinner. Not much interesting going on. Everything feels a little looser (a positive) but I've got a loooooong way to go.

I want to get back to the gym but it's nice to not feel compelled to go since I'm not supposed to.

Medifast Diet, Day 9: (Not so) Sneaky me

So I've started to sneak too many little bits of "allowed" food in as snacks throughout the day (today it was 2 wedges light Laughing Cow cheese and a tsp of PB). My calories are still under 1000 for the day, but man am I hungry. I guess it does make most sense to just stick to the program. *sigh*

Tomorrow I have to provide my weight to my health coach. All I gotta say is I hope it has dropped more. This is not exactly fun! The sooner I drop it the sooner I can regain some normalcy.

Medifast Diet, Day 8: One week (more or less) on program

One week down! I had hoped to see more movement on the scale, but I'll take the five pound loss.

There were two days where I had two bars (a no-no) and a few days where I "split" my meals. I'm going to try to adhere more to the spirit of the program according to my "Health Coach" who has been monitoring people on the program for-ev-uh. She takes issue with some of the items in the books/pamphlets (saying people may lose slower with splitting meals). I'm tough. I can gut it out. Get it? Gut it out?

I'm hungry.

Medifast Diet, Day 7: NOW I've done it...

Scale has stayed the same the last four days and supposedly it just falls off you the first week. I'm going to try to adhere a little more strictly to the plan from here on out. No cheese. Measure everything. Make sure I get in all my packets. Start walking more. Move, scale, move!!!

Medifast Diet, Day 6: It's a little too early to fall off the wagon

After reading the handy lil' Medifast book that came with my "food" (and I'm using that term loosely) I realized I can split meals that involve real food as long as I keep to the same calories/carbs/protein as I would with the regular meal. So, that means I can have a little lunch and a little dinner. I do sorta miss chewing already.

Today, I probably took it a little too far. After a bar, a shake, and a quarter of a cucumber this a.m., we went out to eat. I got a lovely egg white omelette with salsa at Delectable Egg. Probably had a little too much salsa, but whatever. Then I consumed a slice of cheese, a (*gasp*) crappy little chocolate easter egg, two more shakes, and a griller with onion, red pepper, and a tablespoon of light salad dressing. I am probably no longer in ketosis (if I ever was), I feel stuffed, and it's gonna take me a few days to get back in ketosis. We'll see what I weigh on Tuesday a.m.--I'm hoping for at least a five pound loss. On the plus side, I don't feel shaky or weak anymore.

It's still a better day food/calorie wise than I would have had last week, but I can't help but be a little disappointed in myself.

medifast diet, day 5: easter eggs, schmeaster eggs

today we took the kids to an easter egg hunt--and thankfully e downed all the chocolates in record time (she DOES take after me). there was a table with all sorts of pastries and surprisingly, i was not tempted. we were going to go out to eat at one of my favorite restaurants (and someplace where i knew i could get something "on program") but the kids at so much at the egg hunt we went straight home. so i pouted a little. i'm already getting sick of lettuce and grillers!

i ate a few "questionable" items when we got home (namely, two slices of cheese)--i just felt compelled to eat them. i don't really know why. when i got up this a.m. i weighed exactly the same as yesterday and i guess i was a little disappointed and "comfort eating". same is better than up, though!

one good thing to note: we took the kids to wendy's for dinner and i was content to stick with a diet coke. e's fries looked kind of interesting for a short while, but they are crap nutritionally and i stayed away. e loves them, and i know they're not the best for her. we'll just have to cut down on the meals out.

btw, i am sick of this sweet taste i have in my mouth all the time. i don't know if it's just aftertaste or ketosis or what. blech.

Medifast Diet, Day 4

Woke up feeling a little lightheaded and was a little hungry this morning. Overall, I'm feeling better, though. I'm down four pounds on the scale--although I know it's mostly water weight, it is SO good to see the scale heading in that direction.

This is how ridiculous my world has become: I am excited to find a microscopic piece of carrot in my veggie bullion. Something to chew on.

Medifast Diet, Day 3: When will my body adjust?

Last night I felt awful--headache, nausea, neck spasm...

I don't think I can entirely blame the program but I woke up this a.m. (day 3) feeling weak and tired.

On the plus side, I bought some candy for an Easter Egg hunt (Dove chocolate eggs, no less) and I feel absolutely no desire for them. I don't know if it's because I'm committed or because I feel just that crappy.

Update at fourtwomper: I'm dizzy, ate my meal early, and still feel unwell. Maybe I'm getting B's cold. Or maybe this is just a really hard adjustment.

Medifast Diet, Day 22,321

Ok, I exaggerate. It's day 2. Woke up SO not wanting to be on the program, so not wanting to choke down a drink. So I have a bar instead. I feel ok...a little weak, a little sweaty. I steal a few bites of E's griller breakfast and I instantly feel better. I'll just eat a little less tonight, right?

I've committed to at least a month on this program. I don't wanna, but I have to. I have to find the "old me" buried under the layers of blubber. I do feel slightly better knowing I am doing something to that end but still am not entirely confident I'm cut out for this. Onward!

Medifast Diet, Day 1: Let the fun begin!

My first month's Medifast meals arrived in a box yesterday. Weird to think most of my meals for the next month fit in a 2 x 2 foot box. Even weirder to think how much space what I would usually eat would occupy. Or to think of it all jammed together in a little trash compacter (remember those?) cube. Blech.

The day has gone something like this:
7:30 a.m. I start the day with a somewhat chalky but palatable "caramel" bar this morning, washed down by a Diet Coke.

9:30 a.m. I choke down a somewhat lumpy "chai latte"--not sure if it was the lumps or the drink itself, but I gag just a little. It's ok tasting--although somewhat chemical. I wash it down with 32 ounces of water and another DC.

12:00 p.m. I get a call from my Medifast coach asking how it's going. I tell her I am hungry. Nice to have someone looking in on me, though.

12:30 p.m. Stomach rumbling, I steal 1/4 a pickle spear from my husband's lunch (it's allowed!) and make a Dutch Chocolate shake with some ice and water. It's ok. I can probably stand it for four months. :-) My last pre-program meal last night (3 slices cheese pizza, salad, and a bottle of cider) seems SOOOOOOO long ago.

3:00 Choked down brown sugar oatmeal. Strange bitter aftertaste. Blech, blech, blech. On the plus side, I'm sick to my stomach instead of hungry now. A little heartburn and nausea never hurt a girl on a diet.

5:45 My wonderful (and only) real meal of the day. Two Morningstar Farms grillers on two cups of lettuce with 1 tablespoon lowfat dressing. I can tell I am really hungry because it tasted delicious!

7:30ish Not really looking forward to it, but I have one more "meal" to work in. I chug a Swiss Mocha packet and quickly chase it with a glass of water.

And I get to get up tomorrow and do it all again.

Stressed Out Mess

I'm struggling on so many levels right now...I'm stressed. I'm depressed. I'm anxious. I'm almost 40 and I feel like I am going through a second adolescence. I feel awkward, unsure, and unworthy. Working from home may not be working out for me so much. Ya think?

But while I'm here, I've decided to bite the bullet, so to speak. I'm going to try a meal replacement plan called Medifast. Low calorie. Low-decision making required. Low activity required. Should fit my lifestyle and my work situation right now. I hope my kids don't get any weird ideas about eating. I hope my metabolism doesn't suffer. I hope I can get my act together long enough to make some real progress. Nothing fits. I am sick of feeling unattractive. I am sick of not wanting to see old friends and coworkers because I am embarrassed.

The program promises an average of 2-4 lbs/week loss. Using the beach vacation as a goal, I stand to lose between 44 and 88 pounds (if the 2-4 lbs/week holds true). That works out for my weight to be roughly between 122 and 166 pounds by beach time if I stick to the program. My realistic end goal is 145-150. The start of this journey is soooooooo overdue!

The stuff is supposed to arrive tomorrow. If it does, I start with a weigh in on Tuesday and will post again then.

Things will get better.

-M