my heart hurts

last monday, my friend's husband did the unthinkable.

he killed himself.

he seemed to be such an upbeat guy. a mentor. a kind and gentle spirit. and his wife couldn't be a nicer person. they have two teen sons. i cannot wrap my brain around it.

it has changed the way i think about everything.

Today I start digging

Today I to start digging myself out of this pit of apathy. I will break out of this cycle. I commit myself to this endeavor. No excuses.

I promise I will not delude myself with goals I cannot possible reach.

I promise I will get healthier (both mentally and physically) for my children.

I promise I will figure this out. I won't be perfect; I won't expect myself to be.

I'm so fat...

...even my CHIN has cellulite. I really hope it was just a trick of my eyes. I'm afraid to look again!

*Sigh* I am the only one who can dig myself out of this hole. I keep trying to force that "aha" moment. I think I have hit bottom several times and my weight. just. keeps. creeping. up.

A few things are for certain: I need to take better care of myself. I need to make time to work out regularly. I need to make losing weight a priority. I need to journal. I need to drink water. I need to get it through my head that I can and HAVE to do this. I need to plan. I need to get a handle on stress. I need to do it now.

So how have I gotten myself started down this path before? It isn't rocket science. I just have to start.

fiftystones is now sixtythreestones

start: 1/3/08
weight: 208 or thereabouts (naked, first thing upon waking, with gut sucked in and pride in the toilet)
the plan: modified rosedale
why: live longer, feel freer, set good example for the kids, feel better about myself, fit clothes in closet (i'm in no mode to joke. this sucks!)

goal: 150 by 8/1/08

the target breakdown:
195-2/1 (twin mom getaway/sanity break in the mountain)
185-3/1
175-4/1
165-5/1
155-6/1
150 - 8/1 (will need to lose roughly 2 lbs week until then)

here's hoping.

my. oh. my.

i SO frighten myself. here i am more than a year down the road since i started the blog THIRTEEN pounds heavier. I've topped out at 211, almost my highest weight ever. this morning i was 208 (208 in 2008!). let's hope not for much longer.

I can blame lots of things: high stress level, a tendency to overeat, slow metabolism, working 50-60 hours a week at my new job, taking care of twin three year olds, getting sick every other week from taking care of three year olds, a less than supportive relationship...but the cause doesn't really so much matter so much as the reality. i remain little miss muffin top. fat momma. unhappy wife. someone i don't recognize and i don't particularly like.

my history does seem to be my destiny. at least for now.

i joined a 24 hour gym and started a low carb diet a few weeks ago. i started to hit the gym hard but fell sick a few days after. i go back tomorrow come hell or high water.

btw, i did attempt the marathon--but along with thousands of others, i dropped out early when i got sick from the extreme heat in chicago this year. i started out too fast and they ran out of water at the second aid station. i stopped at a gas station for gatorade/water and came out just as the sag wagon was passing. i made it to about the eleven mile mark before being overcome by pain up my back, my achilles tendons (still an issue), lightheadedness, and nausea. they stopped the race about thirty minutes after i dropped out. so i did a half-mary in denver the following weekend--and it snowed at the start and rained throughout. i just couldn't win this year.

sayonara 2007. herro 2008. be good to me and i will be good to you.