Still floundering but making some headway in places

Just read my most recent blog from May--I can't help but think about where I'd be if I'd actually stuck with the plan (42 pounds lighter, maybe?). But I didn't and I am where I am.

I've been on a few job interviews but haven't had anything come through yet. Still hoping something will soon.

I've done a bit more to educate myself (reading books/listening to webinars/boning up on subject matter close to interview time).

It's hard not to get frustrated with the job search process. It's depressing. I sometimes feel like I'm never going to be employed again. I'm older. I'm fat. I'm somewhat socially awkward. It's a downhill rollercoaster once I get started thinking about it.

I'm trying to begin anew with the weight loss. I hired a personal trainer but the first few weeks have been all about correcting muscle imbalances. I gained 5 pounds in one week!!! Totally not her fault, but I can't believe I'm still at the same old weight...and gaining. I tipped the scales at 210 last week. 210!!!

Shouldn't be surprising...you do what you've always done, you get what you've always gotten.

Today I dedicated myself to a "me" day. No guilt about not job searching today. Today is about nurturing myself and trying to light a fire (or at least get the embers glowing).

I did my strength exercises and am about to head off for a bike ride. When I get back I'm digging up all the weight loss books in the house and figuring out which one to go through first.

Then I am making a grocery list and heading to the store. I'm going to make another run at the Eat to Live plan.

I occasionally get glimmers of motivation (picturing myself running fast and free, for instance) but nothing that I can hold on to right now. Maybe it's inertia. I've been failing at losing weight for so long that I don't know if I can do it. Which is stupid, right? Anyone can lose if they put their mind to it. It's not that complicated in theory. Why is it so frickin hard for me in practice?

Second verse, same as the first

Wow. What a year. I quit my job in November thinking my next job would be right around the corner. I'm still unemployed.

The good thing to come out of it is that I've fully recovered from my burn out and I'm itching to work. The bad news is, there is no work. And I don't have much to show for my time.

I have been meaning to volunteer. I haven't. I've been meaning to educate myself. My attempts have been pitiful. I've been thinking about losing weight and paying Weight Watchers 40 bucks a month for that privilege--but I'm no further along than I was before.

But I'm a woman with a plan.

I've canceled the Weight Watchers membership. I'm going to try the "Eat to Live" diet (tough, but I need a jump start). I'm going to spend at least 4 hours a day working towards educating myself. I'm moving on.

Updating...

I've been doing WeightWatchers and they implemented blog software--so I've been posting over there. I've had some success and am starting to see some progress. 11 pounds gone!

A new way to deal with the munchies.

I wanted to munch on something crunchy. Stressed out. Found gum--trying to ignore that "fuck it" voice.

Discovered for some reason I had bought "Mint Mojito" gum. Tried it. Discovered it is perhaps the most disgusting taste EVER. Am now nauseous instead.

Crisis averted.

Holy mercy lunge!

I don't know what they were called...but I went to a spin & sculpt class and got my arse handed to me. I LOVE IT!

I totally could NOT do one of the moves (hold weights overhead, lunge back/place one knee on mat behind you, bring other knee back so you are kneeling on mat, place one leg in front of mat & stand up).

My butt is sore. I seriously COULD NOT KEEP UP and ended up pressing on my leg to stand up. I was dizzy by class' end, even though at that point my heart rate was down to 140.

This makes me realize how very bored I've been with my exercise routines. No variation. Who would have ever pegged me as someone who liked group fitness classes?

Just Call Me Squishy

Twice this week my daughter has pressed on my belly laughing.

The first time, in her four-year-old innocence, she asked me, "Mommy, why are you fat?" I wish I could say I explained to her that some people had more fat on their bodies than others for a variety of reasons and that it was never ok to make fun of someone for being fat. Instead, after unsuccessfully deflecting the conversation, I became upset and cried. She became upset and ran off in tears. I hoped at least she learned a little about the power of words and that I learned I needed to temper my responses.

The lesson did not stay with either of us.

Today, she pressed on my belly and said "Mom, why are you squishy?" Pretty much round II of the same conversation.

So, she notices. Yep. I'm squishy. I'm fat. I never want her to know that it consumes me. That I feel like shit because of it. That I try very hard to work on it (I run marathons and if I could stop getting sick I might be on a more regular exercise schedule). That there are not enough hours in the day for ME because I'm too busy being mom, primary breadwinner, cook, etc. That my job consumes me and spits me out. That I eat because I'm sad or anxious or unhappy. And I desperately want it all to change.

When I am not sick with the latest pre-school crud, I have recently done a great job carving time out of my day to work out and have seen progress on the scale. Now that I am hopefully past the latest round (strep throat) I can resume.

I need to stop the tears in front of her. What am I teaching her? That people can hurt you because of what you look like? For calling attention to what you look like? What message am I sending to her about body image? I want her to have a healthy attitude about her body and herself (while still respecting differences in others). I need to change my attitude if she has any hope.

Forty-five stones is more like it!!!

I've finally got some good news to post. The scale is moving in the right direction!

For some reason (and I'm not sure quite why) the scale took a dip below 200 last week. Then I got strep throat and viola! 195.

What this means is that I'm 45 pounds away from that that 50 pound weight loss goal, instead of well above it.

I don't know how/why I ever let 195 go. I started Weight Watchers with friends 3 (?) years ago and I remember the weigh in person saying "well, you'll never need to see that number again." Instead the number climbed (up to 212 at its highest). So for now I'm quite happy to see that number again, but not for long.

I think I stagnated because:

• I didn't really change my eating. My bad days far outweighed my good days.
• I didn't vary my exercise routine. I'd taken up weight lifting/spinning again before I got sick and I think it helped move the scale in the right direction.
• My body is just too efficient at walking (my primary form of exercise). Sure, I've completed three half and one full marathon since the kids were born--but I eat more during training and I just don't get the same calorie burn walking.
  

So I've been LOOSELY doing Weight Watchers online (I'm paying for but not using it so much). I've got to figure out what to do next to keep the ball moving in the right direction.