Still floundering but making some headway in places

Just read my most recent blog from May--I can't help but think about where I'd be if I'd actually stuck with the plan (42 pounds lighter, maybe?). But I didn't and I am where I am.

I've been on a few job interviews but haven't had anything come through yet. Still hoping something will soon.

I've done a bit more to educate myself (reading books/listening to webinars/boning up on subject matter close to interview time).

It's hard not to get frustrated with the job search process. It's depressing. I sometimes feel like I'm never going to be employed again. I'm older. I'm fat. I'm somewhat socially awkward. It's a downhill rollercoaster once I get started thinking about it.

I'm trying to begin anew with the weight loss. I hired a personal trainer but the first few weeks have been all about correcting muscle imbalances. I gained 5 pounds in one week!!! Totally not her fault, but I can't believe I'm still at the same old weight...and gaining. I tipped the scales at 210 last week. 210!!!

Shouldn't be surprising...you do what you've always done, you get what you've always gotten.

Today I dedicated myself to a "me" day. No guilt about not job searching today. Today is about nurturing myself and trying to light a fire (or at least get the embers glowing).

I did my strength exercises and am about to head off for a bike ride. When I get back I'm digging up all the weight loss books in the house and figuring out which one to go through first.

Then I am making a grocery list and heading to the store. I'm going to make another run at the Eat to Live plan.

I occasionally get glimmers of motivation (picturing myself running fast and free, for instance) but nothing that I can hold on to right now. Maybe it's inertia. I've been failing at losing weight for so long that I don't know if I can do it. Which is stupid, right? Anyone can lose if they put their mind to it. It's not that complicated in theory. Why is it so frickin hard for me in practice?